It is after midnight. I am sitting in my living room, scouring the internet for any new information that might make my life better. The last hour or so I have been silently crying because I barely made it out of the shower.

I am on yet another new medication in an attempt to prevent my migraines. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m on a lower dose of a medication I tried 4 years ago, to see if I can tolerate it. Seems I can’t tolerate it at any dose. The drug causes me to lose sensation in different areas of my body. Just a little while ago, while in the shower, I went numb from head to toe and was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to get out of the shower. I wanted to call for my husband, but he was asleep, and I had locked the bathroom door, so I stood there in the shower praying the sensation would pass. It did pass, at least enough so that I could get dressed and go cry on the couch.

Even when I don’t have a migraine, I don’t get to feel normal. [Tweet this.] As I sit typing this, a portion of my face is tingling and my left foot feels as if it has fallen asleep. Sadly, I would be happy to accept this side effect, if this medication were actually effective at treating my migraines. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. This is my third medication in the past 6 months. I just quit taking a medication that made me feel as if I were suffering from morning sickness all day, and before that I was on a medication that made me have suicidal thoughts…

My migraines first started when I was in the military at the age of 18. I’m not sure exactly what started them, but I suppose that isn’t really important. I just know that my life hasn’t been the same since. Since that time, they have steadily increased in frequency and intensity. My symptoms have grown stranger as well. It used to be that I would have a migraine maybe 3-4 times a month. Now, I have them no less than 4 days a week. They have essentially taken over my life. I find that I have trouble with my speech and sometimes feel as if I am actively losing my memory. There have been many nights in which I have been awakened in the middle of the night by migraines. Over half of my life at this point is run by migraine headaches.

I cannot bear taking anymore pills. There is no way to regain the past 15 years of my life, but I have to believe that the next 15 years will be better. [Tweet this.] There must be a better solution than what I’ve been trying. I cannot let another 15 years of my life be lost to misery.

Thank you for listening. I needed to share what I’m going through somewhere. I hope that my story gets better. I spend so much of my energy trying to be strong for my family and trying not to be a further burden than I already am to them.